It’s time for another glorious year. While I’m not big on resolutions — to me, they’re little more than a collection of things that I dare myself not to fail at — I do like to compile a small list of events I’d like to see happen in the coming year.
Here’s my 2009 wish list:
• I’d like my kids to become potty trained: My twin sons currently produce more crap than a Detroit auto plant. I am not sure at what age kids start using the toilet, but I hope it occurs sometime in 2009.
• I hope that we invade Iran: I know that the Obama administration will be much less inclined to engage in belligerent acts of aggression. But I have really come to enjoy watching war on the news. I fear that if we end our occupation of foreign countries, I’ll be forced to watch CSI.
• I want President Obama to be allowed to smoke -— but only when he’s 25 feet from the entrance to the White House. Everyone knows he smokes. I guess it’s not a terrible habit if you consider that former President Clinton was into cigars. And the belief that a president is a role model is overblown. If that were the case, kids across America would’ve spent the past eight years becoming cross-eyed and developing a stutter.
• I want Vladimir Putin to develop erectile dysfunction: Perhaps one of the greatest threats to the free world is the renewed confidence and swagger of Russia. That confidence comes from their head guy, Vladimir Putin. To put a crimp in his walk, it would be wonderful if he were to suddenly realize that he isn’t the man that he thinks he is.
• I want CNN to start showing reruns of South Park: As far as I can tell, they’re the only cable channel currently not showing them. Besides, any news network willing to give a show to D.L. Hughley can only improve its reputation by showing cartoons.
• I hope that “The Big 3” fail anyway: The American government just gave these car companies so much aid you’d think they were Israel. At least Israel knows how to turn a profit. I certainly don’t want people to lose their jobs, but there’s no sense in supporting companies who make a product no one wants. Besides, T. Boone Pickens can use the old factories to create windmills.
• I want Mexico to open technical support centers that service Indian (from India) computer owners: It would just tickle me to see Paco change his name to Punjab so as to increase the quality of his customer service. And even better, listening to a frustrated guy from Mumbai yelling into his phone, “What? I can’t understand you. Learn to speak Hindi!”
Well friends and readers, that’s my 2009 wish list. One other thing I would add is that I hope all of you have a great, safe, and prosperous new year. Also, keep in mind that we’re probably going to experience another great depression, so it’s a good time to stock up on some leather shoes, just in case you get hungry. Happy New Year!
