Typically, my columns focus on important issues like the financial crisis, or Jessica Simpson’s weight gain. But this week, I must use the incredibly powerful grip I have on public opinion to fight for a very important issue affecting my hometown of Kirkland: the lack of an off-leash dog park.

Following the piece I wrote a few weeks back about dog parks being the new center of suburban life (as opposed to the pharmacy counter), I received a letter from a fellow ethnic Kirk and dog owner imploring me to make the argument for an off-leash dog park. And just as a famous athlete cannot ignore a letter from a stricken child, I too must use my celebrity status (as a columnist for a community newspaper) to sway the ruling elite to give the people a place to let their dogs poop.

I apologize in advance if this piece isn’t as funny as my others. But there is nothing funny about having to drive five miles just to let my dog run free. It’s practically a human rights issue (except it’s about dogs).

So here it goes:

Dear People who Run Kirkland,

Please put in an off-leash dog park in Kirkland. I am sick of driving to Redmond every time I want to let my dog run around. And as ethnic Kirks, we should be ashamed to not have a dog park. A city cannot think of itself as an upscale suburb if it doesn’t have a place where the “haves” have a place to pick up poop in plastic bags donated by the local grocery store. Redmond has one. Why doesn’t Kirkland?

If you prefer simple equations, let me lay it out like this:

Kirkland + Dog Park = Mercer Island; Kirkland – Dog Park = Lynwood

Besides, every time I do take my dog to Marymoor, I end up buying a coffee at that little mobile espresso truck that loiters in the parking lot. Wouldn’t you prefer that money be spent locally?

And let’s not forget Kirkland’s newest high-end residents: Google. We all know that Google now has a campus in Kirkland. Are we not worried that if Google employees travel to Redmond (Microsoft turf) to let their dogs off leash, they could get beat up, or worse, recruited to build Microsoft’s search technology?

People who run Kirkland, I implore you to create an off-leash dog park. I am giving you one month—and I recommend you use a portion of Juanita Bay Park so that the dogs can also swim. If you do not put in the off-leash park by the end of the month, I will organize the “Million Mutt March.” On a specific day, dog owners will take their recently fed pups to darken the streets of downtown with the defecation of defiance.

People who run Kirkland, keep in mind that I am not just speaking for myself, but for the thousands of dog owners and dog lovers who call Kirkland home. Seriously, if you don’t put in a dog park, it will get messy.

P.S. It’s the least you can do for letting the Seahawks leave to Renton.