Communication styles matter in marriages and government | In Focus

Published 11:00 am Wednesday, August 5, 2026

In your relationships, which of the following are you: Avoider, Screamer, or Negotiator?

UW Professor emeritus John Gottman wrote about his research into couples and their problem-solving styles. You can read his relationship revelations in “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.”

According to Gottman, marriages that succeed were ones where the communication styles of the couple were the same. If an Avoider is married to an Avoider, the marriage works, because, over time, problems eventually end. Avoided finances result in bankruptcy, children grow up and leave home, one of the couple dies. Things may not get done, but since both are Avoiders, it doesn’t matter.

Screamers vent their emotions by screaming. As long as both scream at each other, emotions are released and the pressure subsides until the next problem arises. Then the cycle is repeated—wash, rinse, and repeat.

Negotiators see a problem. They sit down and talk it out, expressing their emotions calmly, patiently and rationally, looking for common ground. Then the couple looks for compromise and accommodation. Life continues calmly until the next issue, which is solved in the same way.

The problem arises, according to Gottman, when the couples don’t have the same communication styles.

When an Avoider is married to a Screamer: The Avoider figures out ways to avoid conflict, usually meaning they go to their room or leave in a huff until the emotions subside. The Screamer gets frustrated because they can’t vent their emotions. Either the couple goes to counseling and works out their differences, or the marriage ends.

When a Screamer is married to a Negotiator: The Screamer vents their emotions while the Negotiator tries to discuss the matter calmly and patiently, looking for compromise and accommodation. The Screamer is not interested in negotiations because that’s not how they grew up. Negotiating problems takes time and makes the Screamer feels threatened and demeaned by someone who is not as emotional as they are. The Negotiator gets frustrated and doesn’t like being screamed at. Same scenario and solution—the marriage ends.

When an Avoider is married to a Negotiator: The Negotiator wants to sit down calmly and rationally, stating the problem, and looking for compromise and accommodation. The Avoider has become adept at deflecting, blaming the Negotiator, or leaving. The Avoider doesn’t want to go to a counselor because that is not their style. That’s what Negotiators do, and Avoiders are not interested. Facing the problem is not how Avoiders have solved their problems in the past. The idea of admitting weaknesses and negotiating solutions takes too much work and thought. The task seems daunting. Often, an Avoider has never seen any successful relationships work so ending the relationship is the only solution.

Now let’s take Gottman’s three communication styles and apply them to our current national government. Which branch is run by a Screamer? Which branch is run by Avoiders? Where do we find Negotiators? What happens to the political party that has the most Negotiators? How do they feel when dealing with the Avoiding party that is in charge—or a Screamer?

Negotiators will search for ways around the roadblocks. Some bolder Negotiators may take the same approach as the Screamer, giving a mirror image of how the Screamer is acting to his/her supporters. Negotiators may work together with other Negotiators and try ways to block the Avoiders’ plans.

If you think about it for a few minutes, I believe you can supply a few names to each of these communication styles. Government has been created to solve problems, not avoid them.

I will make an exception with the SCOTUS six conservatives. They are Screamers, but they do it through writing and by using the Shadow Docket to scream their views. The more liberal faction seems to be trying to be Negotiators.

The next national election is coming in about three months. We live in a representative democracy. “We the People” decide what kind of communication style works best for our form of government. Not voting makes you an Avoider. If you avoid, you shouldn’t complain if the Screamers and Avoiders get elected.

You vote with your feet by not voting.

Richard Elfers is a columnist, a former Enumclaw City Council member and a Green River College professor.